Grit, Gratitude, & Grace Newsletter

Reader

Two years ago today—February 8th, 2024—I was laid off from my job.

I had done everything "right." I'd told my three managers about Florena's cancer diagnosis. I'd asked for a flexible work schedule so I could take her to appointments. They all agreed. I thought I had control of the situation.

Seven days after I disclosed the diagnosis, I was unemployed.

In that moment, sitting in the conference room, I felt every ounce of control slip through my fingers like sand.

I couldn't control the cancer diagnosis. I couldn't control keeping my job. I couldn't control our income. I couldn't control the medical bills piling up. I couldn't control anything.

Or so I thought.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference." — Reinhold Niebuhr (Serenity Prayer)

The illusion of control

Here's what I've learned: We spend most of our lives trying to control things that were never ours to control in the first place.

Other people's decisions. The economy. Our health. The future. Other people's opinions of us. Whether we get hired or fired. Whether cancer chooses our family.

We exhaust ourselves trying to control the uncontrollable. And then we feel like failures when our white-knuckle grip doesn't change the outcome.

But here's the paradox: The moment I stopped trying to control everything was the moment I discovered what I actually could control.

The two-column breakthrough

The night after I was laid off, I couldn't sleep. At 2 AM, I sat at my kitchen table and did something simple but transformative.

I drew a line down the middle of a piece of paper.

Left column: "What I Can't Control" Right column: "What I Can Control"

LEFT COLUMN (Can't Control):

Florena's cancer diagnosis
My job loss
Medical bills amount
Treatment outcomes
The economy
Employer decisions
Other people's opinions
The past
The future

RIGHT COLUMN (Can Control):

My response to adversity
My presence with Florena
My job search effort
My attitude each morning
My daily actions
My learning and growth
How I treat others
My self-talk
My faith and prayer
What I do TODAY

That exercise changed everything.

I stopped wasting energy on Column 1. I poured everything into Column 2.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." — Philippians 4:6 (NIV)

Your framework: The Control Matrix

Step 1: Create your own two-column list Take 15 minutes. Left column: everything you're worried about or trying to control. Right column: what you actually have power over. Be ruthlessly honest.

Step 2: Grieve the left column Yes, grieve. Acknowledge that you can't control those things. Feel the loss of that illusion. Then let it go. Acceptance isn't weakness—it's wisdom.

Step 3: Pour your energy into the right column This is where transformation happens. Every ounce of energy you were wasting on Column 1? Redirect it to Column 2. Your response. Your effort. Your choices TODAY.

Step 4: Review daily Every morning, look at your two columns. Remind yourself where your power actually lives. When anxiety pulls you toward Column 1, consciously redirect to Column 2.

Step 5: Celebrate Column 2 wins Did you show up with excellence today? Did you choose a positive attitude? Did you take one action forward? Celebrate it. You controlled what you could control.

What happened when I shifted my focus

I didn't get a job the next day. Florena didn't go into remission immediately. Our financial stress didn't magically disappear.

But everything changed internally.

I stopped feeling powerless. I stopped feeling like a victim. I stopped drowning in anxiety about things I couldn't change.

I showed up for every chemo appointment—fully present. I applied to jobs with excellence and integrity. I researched nutrition protocols and made every smoothie with intention. I wrote a book during pockets of exhaustion. I chose gratitude when despair knocked.

Not because my circumstances improved. Because I finally understood where my real power lived.

Your challenge this week

Today—right now—create your Control Matrix.

Two columns. 15 minutes. Brutal honesty.

Then make a commitment: For the next seven days, catch yourself every time you're spinning your wheels trying to control something in Column 1. Stop. Redirect that energy to something in Column 2.

Watch what happens when you stop fighting battles you can't win and start winning the battles you can.

Because here's the truth: You can't control what happens to you. But you always control what happens in you.

And that's where all real transformation begins.

WHEN YOU'RE READY

Here's how I can help you:

The how to let go of the illusion of control, and how to redirect your energy toward transformation—is in "Mindset Metamorphosis: A practical and transformative guide in mastering your mind for growth and success."

The Introduction and Chapter 2 walk you through practical strategies for managing what you can control, especially during seasons of adversity when it feels like everything is spinning out of control.

If you're exhausted from trying to control the uncontrollable, this book will show you where your real power lives.

Remember: Feed your mind. Fuel your actions. Find your fire.