Why I stopped asking "How do I feel?" and started asking something else

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Reader

Have you ever set good intentions only to abandon them when life gets overwhelming? If you're someone who knows what you should do but struggles to do it consistently—especially during stress, illness, or crisis—this question will transform how you show up when it matters most.

While writing "Mindset Metamorphosis" during my wife's cancer treatment, I discovered that willpower isn't enough. You need something stronger.

The Struggle: When Good Intentions Fail

During my wife's cancer journey, I was constantly telling myself: "I need to be strong for her. I need to stay positive. I need to handle this better."

But "needing" and "trying" weren't working. Despite 34 years of martial arts discipline, I was burning out from the effort of attempting to be something I wasn't becoming.

Every morning, I'd wake up asking: "How do I feel today?" And honestly? Most days I felt exhausted, overwhelmed, and inadequate. So I'd act exhausted, overwhelmed, and inadequate.

The gap between my intentions and my actions was destroying my confidence and, worse, it wasn't serving my wife when she needed me most.

The Breakthrough: One Question Changes Everything

Then I realized the problem: I was focused on intentions instead of identity.

Instead of asking "How do I feel today?" I started asking "What does a strong husband do first thing in the morning?"

Instead of "I'm trying to stay positive," I asked "How does someone with unshakeable faith respond to this news?"

The shift was subtle but revolutionary. I stopped trying to become someone resilient and started being someone resilient—one choice at a time.

The Test: Identity Under Ultimate Pressure

During those 10 months without income while facing $60,000 in debt and my wife's cancer treatment, I couldn't afford to keep "trying" to be disciplined. I had to become someone who was disciplined.

Every morning, instead of checking my feelings first, I asked: "What does a disciplined person do when they wake up?" Then I did that thing—prayer, exercise, writing—regardless of how I felt.

When we switched to a plant-based diet to support my wife's healing, I didn't struggle with "trying" to eat healthy. I became someone who nourishes their body as an act of stewardship.

When financial pressure mounted and I wanted to panic, I asked: "What does someone who trusts God in the storm do with their anxiety?" Then I did that thing.

The Strategy: The Identity-First Decision System

Here's the framework that transforms good intentions into unshakeable habits:

Step 1: Identity Selection

• Get specific about who you want to become: disciplined, faithful, resilient, healthy
• Write it down: "I am someone who..."
• This becomes your new operating system

Step 2: The Identity Question

• Before every decision, ask: "What would [desired identity] do in this situation?"
• Don't ask what you feel like doing
• Ask what that person would do

Step 3: Identity Action

• Do what that person would do, even if you don't feel like that person yet
• Identity is built through action, not feeling
• Each aligned choice strengthens the identity

The Results: When Identity Becomes Reality

After six months of this practice, something remarkable happened. I wasn't "trying" to be strong for my wife anymore—I had become someone who shows up strong. I wasn't "attempting" to maintain faith—I had become someone whose faith is steady in storms.

As someone who completed 10 Spartan races including a 50K ultra, I know that physical endurance comes from training your body to perform regardless of how it feels. Mental endurance works the same way.

The difference between those who crumble under pressure and those who rise isn't the absence of difficult feelings—it's the presence of strong identity.

The Application: Your Identity Challenge

Right now, you might be "trying" to be more disciplined with your health, more patient with your family, more faithful during uncertainty, or more resilient during setbacks.

Stop trying. Start becoming.

Choose one identity you want to develop this week: disciplined, patient, faithful, or resilient. Before making decisions, ask yourself: "What would someone who is [identity] do right now?" Then do that thing.

As someone who reads the Bible daily and has walked through multiple losses while maintaining faith, I can tell you that becoming who God calls you to be isn't about perfection—it's about progression through aligned choices.

Your Next Move

The gap between who you are and who you want to be is closed by aligning your actions with your desired identity—one choice at a time.

What identity are you working to develop, and what's one action you're going to take this week to align with it? Reply and tell me—your transformation might inspire next week's newsletter.

When you're ready, here's how I can help

​Purchase my book Mindset Metamorphosis​

Remember: Feed your mind. Fuel your actions. Find your fire.

DK Kang, Author

dkkang.com

dk@dkkang.com

P.S. "Mindset Metamorphosis" became more than a book I wrote—it became the person I was becoming through writing it.